Beautiful Younger Soul,
I didn't know I was dependent. I knew and believed I was happy with the people around me, but not dependent. How did I discover it? That's a very good question... Well, I'm going to share part of my story!!
It all begins on a regular day when, due to immigration reasons, my parents had to leave the country... I was 28 years old and despite having my own home, having a 4-year-old daughter and being married to a spectacular husband, my family and I relatively lived with my parents. We ate with my parents every day and with almost no exaggeration, I followed my mom into the bathroom. I know, I know!
When my parents left the country, they left with a suitcase in hand thinking they'd be back by the end of a week and half... God only knows why things happen, but my parents didn't come back... I can still remember the moment; I see myself sitting in their dining room window and they were giving me the news that they wouldn't be returning to the United States... I couldn't believe it. I went into shock. I started crying and I still remember taking some of my mom's clothes just to smell and breathe her perfume. So days went by, weeks, and eventually weeks turned into months... Then I realized that even though I had a daughter and husband (she was supposed to have a beautiful home to be happy), I was no longer happy, and I became bitter. I became depressed and that’s when I found out that I was dependent of my mom... More than once I didn't eat thinking that she wouldn't eat. I cried non stop and depression seized my life, my family... But today, I'm not going to talk about the depression I suffered... That's another story! I'll tell you about dependency on someone else.
Discovering my dependence on my mom wasn't immediate, but in the end, we all knew that I was dependent, and when I refer to “we”, I refer to my entire family.
However, what does it mean to be dependent? Well, who hasn't lived it, can't understand it. Even the same ones who claim to be brothers and sisters in the Faith criticized me. More than once, instead of giving me words of encouragement, they were saying: “Why are you crying? Stop crying.” Just to mention some of the things that people would say around me...
I personally couldn't make decisions without approval of my mom. Relatively, I couldn’t take a step without her saying move. I felt that without her, everything would go wrong. I wouldn't eat thinking about what she would eat, I wouldn't buy myself anything thinking that she needed something. I felt I needed her warmth because without it, I felt like I was going to die because I didn't have her near... Yes, just as you heard it, die!!
What happens when all these feelings come over you and you feel that no one understands you, not even your husband who loves you? Well, indeed you can't understand someone if you haven’t gone through a process of dependency.
During this time, I was criticized by a few, but God also sent me good friends. And who better than God himself to be present on the road, a road that lasted a few years. Yes, as you heard it, it was a few years... It was a path where I had to hold on to God in an incredible way. I had to pray like never before. I cried my eyes out too, but I decided to give those tears to the Lord. After a long time, I decided to turn over my dependence on the Lord. It wasn’t easy, of course not... Because coupled with that, I suffered from a depression that lasted almost 5 years (I told you that it would be another story and someday I'll tell you about it)... But finally, after so much, I decided to depend on the Lord and not on my mom... Did I stop loving my mom? Of course not. I love her more than ever! But I understood that, just like the Lord would take care of me, He would take care of her. I understood that if I needed my mom's approval, that I needed God's approval first in all my decisions. God taught me that I wouldn't die because He had a great purpose of growth for my life and that His plans would be good towards me, not of evil. (Jeremiah 29:11) I had a hard time understanding it and, of course, there was a lot of crying and a lot of pain, but there is one thing that is still true, I'm proceeding to the finish line.
I will finish with the following. A few weeks ago, my mom asked me this question, “My daughter, do you think you're still dependent on me?” I answered, “I don't think so Mom, I believe God has healed me and has given me contentment... What I'm sure of, is that I still love you, just like the day you left!”
Love,
Older & Much Wiser You
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11